Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs-Part 1-Physical Discomfort

The relationship between our minds and bodies must be taken into consideration when working toward the fulfillment of our needs.  Our bodies can ‘speak’ to us in many ways.  When our lives become unbalanced and our needs are not being addressed, some of us may experience headaches/migraines, back pain, digestive problems, hives, even mouth pain in our jaws or teeth.

There are ways to increase our ability to be ‘in tune’ with our body and to hear what it has to ‘say’:

DEEP BREATHING- Breathing is one of those bodily functions we can perform without thought, however, being aware of and focusing on our breath can be beneficial, both physically and mentally.

This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat. Close your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  Breathe in through your nose. As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms. Hold for 3 seconds, then exhale slowly as if you are blowing through a straw. Listen to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract. Repeat as many times as you are able or until the body relaxes and your mind is clear.

PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION- This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat on your back. Start at the feet and work your way up. The basic concept is to tense each muscle group, hold for several seconds, then release the tension. 

Let’s use your hands as an example. Take your right hand and squeeze it as tightly as you can into a fist. Hold for the count of five, then slowly open your hand. Repeat this with the other hand. For maximum benefit, when you tense, inhale deeply (see deep breathing) and hold your breath for the count, then as you release the muscle, exhale. Continue with each part of your body, alternating between the left and right sides. 

When trying these techniques, be gentle with yourself.  Pressuring oneself to ‘get it right’ or to experience a specific outcome is often counterproductive.  The goal is to relax the body, refocus the mind, and be in the present moment. 

This can be extremely challenging if our minds are filled with thoughts about past experiences and ‘what if’ scenarios about the future.

The next chapter will explore obsessive thoughts and healthy ways to manage their impact on us.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Introduction

In the last blog we touched upon the ‘signs’ or symptoms that let us know when things in our lives are not working for us.  It is hoped that some of us were able to identify how stress and unfulfilled needs negatively impact us. Let’s now address what we can do for ourselves to decrease that impact.  

In the next few weeks, we will explore various tools that can help to manage our symptoms in healthy ways.

Important points to keep in mind:

§  Often the only way to know if something will benefit us is to try it.

§  Every person is unique- not all the tools work for everyone. Find what is right for you.

§  To experience a beneficial outcome, we need to give the tools time. One or two tries may not be enough to make an accurate assessment.

§  There may be feelings of awkwardness/discomfort. This is appropriate when we are taking in new information and trying something unfamiliar.

§  We do not have to do things perfectly in order to experience benefits. We just need to be present and let the process unfold.

Here are the ‘signs’ we will be learning how to manage:

§  Physical Aches/Pains

§  Obsessive Thoughts

§  Sleep Problems

§  Lack of Goal-setting

Next week, we will explore how to manage the physical discomfort that can result from stress and unmet needs.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 5- Creating Balance

A person can be in a relationship with someone else and still maintain a sense of self.  What does that mean?  It means having one’s own friends, interests, leisure activities, and career/job path.  Most importantly, it means having one’s own sense of purpose and accomplishment independent of the relationship.  When we have a healthy sense of self, we are able to enjoy experiences without the presence of the other person-  free of guilt or fear that the other person will ‘abandon’ us.

Essentially, what we need to do is to create a balance between our needs and the needs of others in our relationships.

Having a healthy sense of self means knowing what our individual needs are and focusing on how we can fulfill them.  We can then allow others to do the same.  In this way, both parties are free to pursue their goals and to grow within the relationship. 

Eventually, we can bring our outside experiences into the relationship, share our thoughts/feelings about them, and be open to another person’s input.  This adds richness to any relationship and keeps both parties interesting to one another.

 

When we maintain balance, we experience:

·         Increased ability to satisfy our own needs/wants

·         Increased confidence in our talents/abilities

·         Freedom to pursue our dreams and for others to pursue theirs

·         Ability to enjoy our experiences more fully

·         Decreased feelings of resentment and guilt

·         Excitement within our relationships

I hope you have started taking steps toward getting ‘unstuck’, keeping in mind there is no set pace to accomplishing your goals and no step is ever too small.  Here is a quote from the oldest Supreme Court Justice in US history, Oliver Wendell Holmes. He retired from his position at the age of 90 in 1931.

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.”

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 4-Asking for Help

In the last chapter, we made a conscious decision to get ‘unstuck’ and take action toward fulfilling our needs. We will most likely encounter others as we carry out our plan toward fulfillment. Some of these individuals may be capable of making positive contributions to our plan. 

Many of us resist ‘needing’ others.  In some families, it is considered a character strength to be able to accomplish things ‘on our own’.  In other families, help may have been offered, but with a price, which often made us feel resentful and less likely to accept help in the future.  Still in other families, help may have only been achieved by acting out in unhealthy ways that made it all too obvious we were in need.  Finally, some families may have been incapable of providing any assistance regardless of our specific needs.

There are effective ways to ask for help that maintain respect for ourselves and others and increase the chances of actually receiving that help.

The first step :

Identify a key person/people who can offer emotional support and/or concrete resources. This can include not only those in our immediate circle, but those who are part of a larger system; professionals, assistants , your local librarian, anyone who can play a part, however small, in your design to meet  a particular need.

The second step:

Decide on a means of communication. Think about how you express yourself best. Are you a good writer? Consider a written letter or email.  Do you feel more comfortable in a face-to-face encounter or are you better communicating over the phone? For those of us who resist asking for help, it may be necessary to take it in steps and start off with the least uncomfortable means and then work our way up to a face-to-face encounter. 

The third step:

Create a 'script' of what exactly to say when asking for help.  This can be memorized in your head, written down, or recorded.  Anything that makes the words flow without much struggle or anxiety.  It is important to clearly identify the other person’s role in your need and express what strengths you think they have that would be helpful.  Also, clearly state that if the person is not able to offer assistance, you would be open to contacting some person/organization they know of that could help. Think of this as a process- a long chain that connects you to the resources needed and each encounter/experience is simply another necessary link on that chain toward fulfilling your need.

The fourth step:

Keep a record of the steps taken and those still to be achieved in your plan.  As you move along in your plan, be flexible, as one encounter may add another ‘link’ to your chain and require additional steps.  Most importantly, make a note of the steps you have achieved and give yourself, literally, a pat on the back, recognizing at certain points, that it may have been a struggle, but that you took the step anyway. It is perfectly fine to feel uncomfortable, but do not let that prevent you from adding another link your ‘chain’.  The discomfort of avoiding the step will be much greater and longer-lasting than the discomfort of taking the action.

Keep reminding yourself of the following:

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end”.

This is a quote by Ursula LeGuin, an American writer of fantasy & science fiction who wrote over 30 books.

The next chapter will address creating a balance between our own needs and the needs of others.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs-Part3- Making a Decision to Get Unstuck

In the previous chapter, we explored the ‘signs’ that let us know when it is necessary to start working toward fulfilling our needs. This next exercise will help us to identify and eliminate any further resistance/fear related to making a change in our lives and getting ‘unstuck’.

Making our own decisions, carrying them out, and accepting the results, can be overwhelming and accompanied by fear.  A certain degree of anxiety accompanies any decision to take action, but when that anxiety causes us to create reasons to avoid taking risks, we stay stuck. We often tell ourselves that the results will be less than desired or cause unforeseen consequences.  So, why bother?

Well, the cliché is true- nothing ventured, nothing gained. By taking the risk, there is at least a chance that things may work out the way we hope. By taking no action, we guarantee that things will not work out the way we hope at all.

Once we explore the possible results of our actions, it can be easier to let go of them.  When we let go of the results, we can eliminate a huge source of avoidance. Often, it is not the decision itself that is so crucial but how we come to a decision that matters.  Many of us make decisions based on a feeling and that feeling is often fear- fear of being alone, fear of failing, fear of other people’s reactions/judgments.

One way to decrease our anxiety about taking action is to utilize some form of decision-making exercise.  A person can create a written chart and either fill it in by themselves or work on it with someone they trust to give honest feedback.

Here is what it might look like:

	Move out and get my own apartment	Continue living with my family
GAINS
LOSSES

See where there are obstacles preventing you from taking action and work through it with someone- a therapist, friend, family member. 

If this sounds uncomfortable or anxiety-producing, the next chapter may help.  It will address how to ask for help in appropriate and effective ways.