Practicing Self-Care-Part 2- Emotional Needs

Now that we have explored ways to take care of our physical in the previous chapter, we need to look at how to nurture our emotional selves- essentially, how to adopt practices that help us feel good about who we are.  When we feel truly satisfied with who we are, we are much better able to let go of stress. 

It is helpful to consider the following:

Connection to others- It is important to understand that as humans, we are ‘wired’ to connect to other people, however, we need to ensure that these connections inspire and energize us rather than discourage and emotionally drain us.  For those of us who tend to isolate and emotionally withdraw when we are stressed or in crisis, it is even more important to reach out to others. We can create different types of connections depending upon our needs. In one instance we may need someone to have fun with and share laughs or an activity and in another, we may need someone to share our deepest thoughts/feelings. 

Release of Emotions- Holding our feelings inside can result in symptoms such as physical aches/pains, sleeplessness, and difficulty concentrating. Feelings are, essentially, energy.  We cannot simply ‘turn them off’ when we choose by ignoring them or pretending we don’t feel anything.  The energy will often come out in others ways that interfere with our functioning. 

Some ways to release our feelings are:

• Journaling in a notebook or on the computer

• Getting physical by punching a pillow or punching bag, dancing, singing

• Allowing ourselves the opportunity to cry without restrictions

• Engaging in an artistic activity like drawing, painting, or sculpting with clay or play-doh

Since the purpose of these activities is to express a specific feeling, like anger, fear, or sadness, it is necessary to focus on the process of the activity rather than the result.  This means we do not have to be ‘good’ at the activity, just be willing to put our energy into it.

Personal Interests/Hobbies- These activities can help us to stay in the present moment and to focus the mind.   It can be difficult for some of us to let go of problems or conflicts. We may tend to think about them repeatedly, using up precious energy, which could be put to better use. The intent behind these activities is not to express feelings, although it is okay if one does, but simply to be present.

In the next chapter, we will explore the nature of spirituality and how to nurture that side of ourselves.

Feel free to share the ways in which you are able to take care of your emotional self by posting a comment below.

Practicing Self-Care-Part 1- Physical Needs

It is important to view ourselves as whole beings comprised of a body, mind, and soul.  All of these elements are essential to our well-being and, as such, need to be nurtured.  Let’s look at the first element on this list. 

In order to take care of our own physical needs, we need to pay attention to the following:

Physical Foundation-  Our body is a structure built upon a foundation of blood, bone, and muscle.  It is important to keep our foundation as strong as possible through regular exercise and weight-bearing exercises, which strengthen bones and aid in the prevention of osteoporosis as we age.  The benefits of regular exercise are numerous and the good thing is we do not have to commit to a rigid schedule of ‘working out’ in order to experience these benefits.  Make it a habit to:

• Park in a space farthest from your destination and get some walking in that way.

• Bag your own groceries and take the longest route to carry them into the house.

• Take a walk to the library or post office instead of driving.

• Take the stairs rather than the elevator.

Doctor Visits- Regular check-ups and appropriate screenings are essential to our health.  It is important to schedule a full physical once each year.  If we are prescribed medications, we need to be sure we are taking them as directed.  Dental hygiene is often overlooked and not viewed as an integral part of our medical needs, however, plaque and gum health affects our heart functioning.  Regular cleanings and exams help to ensure oral health.  If financial constraints interfere with obtaining dental insurance (many employers do not offer it), it may be helpful to check out the EDP plan for discounted services in New York State - www.edpdentalplan.com

Diet/Eating Habits- It is important, not to mention empowering, to become educated about the food we consume.  We need to be mindful of staying hydrated throughout the day, especially if we engage in any type of physical exercise.  Mindfulness (our state of self-awareness) is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship with food. We can increase our mindfulness by considering the following:

• environment in which we consume our meals

• amount of time we allot to meals

• degree of distraction during mealtimes

Repair time- Adequate sleep gives our minds the opportunity to process the experiences of the previous day and our bodies time to repair themselves.  Many of us believe that sleep wastes precious hours that could be utilized to accomplish tasks/responsibilities, however, we are actually ‘doing’ a great deal while we are sleeping.  Click on the following link to learn more about the importance of sleep- http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/video/sleep07_matters/wm-hi.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to take care of our emotional needs.

Practicing Self-Care- Introduction

Meeting the needs of other people is a skill.  It utilizes intuition, emotional intelligence, empathy and, sometimes, creativity.  Many of us developed this ability to such a degree that we have gained success in various ‘helping professions’- teaching, nursing, counseling, etc.  Some of us may have devoted and continue to devote this skill to the needs of our families, resolving conflicts and/or stepping in when others fail to do so. The challenge for many of us is applying this skill to meet our own needs.  If we are busy taking care of everyone else, then we probably have little time left for taking care of ourselves.  We may feel emotionally drained and/or physically exhausted. 

In the next few weeks, we will explore how to practice self-care in the following three areas:

• Physical needs

• Emotional needs

• Spiritual needs        

Stephen R.Covey in his well-known book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” identifies the practice of self-care as Habit 7- Sharpen the Saw. This habit is based on the tale of the woodcutter who struggles to saw down a tree for over five hours.  When someone comes along and mentions that he could take a few minutes to sharpen his saw which would lessen the task, the woodcutter states that he can’t because he is too busy sawing.  It is important to ‘sharpen’ our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves in order to realize our full potential.

In the next chapter, we will identify our physical needs and how to fulfill them.

Treatment for Codependency-Part 5- Effective Communication

Once we are able to identify our relationship needs and to accept them without judgment, we need to know how to fulfill them.  There are two important ‘branches’ on the tree of relationship needs. 

The first one is taking responsibility to voice our needs to others.  Very often, we expect other people to ‘know’ what we want or need without us saying anything.  In addition to this being a form of wishful thinking, it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

When we communicate our needs, we need to remember these essential points:

Be very specific-  If we want to experience more physical affection in our relationship, for example, we can say, “ I really would like a hug right now” or “ It would make me feel better if you held my hand” rather than a general statement, like “I need you to be more affectionate”. This leaves room for interpretation, and, as we explored in a previous chapter, each individual has different needs.  Our need for affection can be very different than another person’s need.

Start sentences with ‘I’- If we want another person to complete a task, for example, we can say, “ I would appreciate you mailing these payments” or “I would feel less stressed if you were able to return these phone calls”.   This often results in a more favorable response than, “You need to mail this” or “You have to return these phone calls”, which can be perceived as demanding.

Consider the situation-  Approach the other person when the timing is right.  If he/she is already engaged in a task, wait until it is completed.  At the moment someone is about to run out the door, may not be a good time to voice our needs.

The other ‘branch’ on the tree of relationship needs is letting go of expectations and meeting our own needs when necessary.  We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. 

If another person is unable or refuses to meet our needs, then we can adopt the following approach:

Reach out-  If we are feeling lonely, disconnected, or bored and the other person has certain obligations that can’t be avoided, we can reach out to others in our social/support network.  Make plans with a friend or family member or join a group/workshop that meets each week, which we can depend upon as a source for connection.  It is important not to expect someone to be the sole provider of our emotional needs.

Be resourceful- If there is a task that the other person refuses or is unable to complete, we can create options.  Maybe we need to acquire new knowledge, learn a new skill, or test our natural abilities.  It might be necessary to pursue professional assistance or talk to someone who has more experience or knowledge on the topic.  The important thing is to avoid defeat and to take an active role in meeting a particular need.  This helps us to feel empowered and to build confidence in our abilities.

May we all honor our needs in relationships, take responsibility for fulfilling them, and face the challenges of building healthy and balanced connections with other people.

Treatment for Codependency- Part 4- Negative Self-talk

We may not always be aware of it, but our mind is constantly creating thoughts.  If we increase our awareness of these thoughts, we will notice they sound like a dialogue. This dialogue has the potential to increase feelings of self-worth, a sense of competence, and the ability to move toward our goals.  It also has the potential to increase feelings of self-doubt, a sense of incompetence, and negative predictions about the future.  This is known as negative self-talk.  In a relationship where codependency exists, we may engage in negative self-talk that interferes with the ability to fulfill our relationship needs. 

Here is what we might be telling ourselves:

•  Our needs are not as important as the needs of others.
• Voicing our needs will cause conflict and the other people will be angry with us.
• Putting our needs first means we are selfish and uncaring.

Mental health treatment can help us to become more mindful of our self-talk, examine its impact on our relationships, and challenge negativity.  

A professional guide can support our efforts to become more mindful by helping us create visual cues that remind us to stop and ‘listen’ to our thoughts.  We can write down the cue on a post-it note and place it in a specific area where we engage in everyday activities, such as brushing our teeth or washing dishes.  These are times when the mind wanders and negative self-talk occurs.  Some helpful cues, which can be found in MS Word under ‘symbols’, are the image of an ear, the profile of a human head, or the octagon of a stop sign.  One can also use a word, like ‘stop’ or ‘listen’ or just a letter like ‘M’ for mindful. For more ideas, read a copy of the book, “How to Train a Wild Elephant: and Other Adventures in Mindfulness” by Jan Chozen Bays.

It can be helpful to look at how our negative self-talk affects our relationships.  By remaining silent and pushing our needs aside in order to avoid conflict, we may build up resentment. This can interfere with our ability to feel truly connected and we end up pushing the other person away.  If we do feel the desire to put our needs out there, we may judge ourselves as being selfish.  Over time, self-criticism can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression, which puts stress on a relationship.

A mental health professional can offer constructive feedback and help us to challenge distorted thinking that is not true about ourselves or others.  If we take the first statement listed above, “our needs are not as important as the needs of others”, we can challenge this belief in that we may FEEL this is so, but that does not make it a fact. 

Feel free to share your experiences with negative self-talk and ways that help you to challenge this by posting a comment below.

Next week, will explore ways to communicate our relationship needs effectively and appropriately.