Why We Struggle in Relationships- Part 1- Family 'Scripts'

A  common difficulty in relationships is accepting and working through conflict/disagreement.  To understand why this is challenging it may be helpful to look at how conflict was handled within our family system.  The term ‘script’ is used here to describe interactions that have a repetitive feel to them- meaning that no matter what the specific issue is, individuals tend to respond in the same way each time as if they are playing a ‘role’ in a story.

The following are examples and descriptions of how unhealthy 'scripts' impact us:

The Power Struggle-  This often occurs between a parent and child. The child asks permission to engage in some chosen activity or to obtain some desired item.  The parent immediately says ‘no’ in a way that does not invite further discussion.  The child then asks, ‘why not?’ and the parent responds, ‘because I said so’ in an annoyed tone.  This places the parent in a one-up position leaving the child feeling unheard and disempowered. For some of us, this may have occurred on occasion while growing up, however, if this was the standard response to a child’s needs/wants ( a ’script’), a clear message is conveyed- your needs are not important and stop asking for what you want.

As adults we may:

• Stop asking ourselves what we really want
• Not ask for what we want in order to prevent another person’s anger/annoyance
• Develop the inability to recognize our own wants/needs
• Judge our own needs and lessen their importance
• Experience feelings of guilt when we do fulfill our needs/wants
• Experience overwhelming anxiety and disappointment when we our needs are not met

Let’s Pretend-   How we work through disagreements and then come together again is essential to a healthy relationship.  For some of us, as children, arguments between family members were heated and took place in the presence of others within the household. Let’s say an argument takes place one evening at the dinner table.  The two main ‘actors’ yell, talk over one another, and make accusations, until each person walks away and avoids the other’s presence for the remainder of the evening.  The next morning, the same ‘actors’ smile and talk to one another as if nothing happened the night before. In fact, the incident is never mentioned again.  If this becomes the standard way of handling conflict (a ‘script’) the other family members are left feeling confused and denied any information on how things actually get resolved. It can seem like resolution happens ‘magically’ or that the two people are pretending as if the issue has been worked out.

As adults we may:

• Avoid conflict in relationships because it is just too confusing
• Always expect arguments to ‘blow over’ without further discussion
• Experience anxiety when confronted by others or when we confront others
• Become angered when the other person wants to ‘go back’ and discuss a previous argument
• Develop the inability to recognize one’s own role in disagreements

In the next chapter, we will explore the role of boundaries in relationships with parental figures.

 

                      

Why We Struggle in Relationships- Introduction

So far this blog has offered practical tools, insights, and encouragement to get unstuck in our relationships.  Some of us may be asking or have asked the question-  “WHY has it been difficult to maintain healthy relationships and to take care of my own needs?”  There comes a point in our journey toward fulfillment when we desire/need to know the source of our struggle.

 In the next few weeks, we will explore the following:

• Unhealthy family ‘scripts’
• Limited Parenting Skills
• Fear of Abandonment

Every person and every situation is unique and complex. With that in mind, I recognize it is not possible to explore in detail all of the factors contributing to our difficulty in relationships, however, there may be some shared experiences among us.  My goal is to touch the surface of these experiences. To truly understand our own emotional ‘blocks’ that keep us stuck, it is most helpful to seek assistance from a caring and knowledgeable professional.

Next week, we will explore ‘scripts’ communicated in our family system which foster feelings of resentment and guilt.

The Season is Upon Us- Part 3- Expressions of Care

The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.  Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.  Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.  During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them.

The following ideas may be helpful:

Look Behind the Action-  Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.   Other families express themselves in different ways.  It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions of others.  In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.  It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible.  

Value the Obvious-   We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there.  Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.  

Take Things at Face Value- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.  During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.  Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.

Be the Difference- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.  We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.  The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.

May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….

The Season is Upon Us- Part 2- Others' Expectations of Us

Now that we have explored the expectations we hold toward other people, it may be helpful to look at others’ expectations for us. For many of us, it is necessary to set aside others’ expectations and honor what makes us feel positive about ourselves.  We can choose to engage in activities that create feelings of peace and well-being.

The following ideas can be helpful:

Create Options- It may be necessary to let go of the ‘all or nothing’ mindset and look at our options.  We can spend some time at a family gathering and then designate time to fulfill our own needs/wants.  We  do not have to cancel plans entirely, just leave some time free to engage in less stressful activities.  If we are obligated to entertain guests at our own home, we need to explore what would make us feel less frustrated and more able to enjoy the moment.  We could cook and hire a server, we could have food catered, or serve a buffet of appetizers rather than have a sit-down meal.  It is important to keep this in mind- if an activity creates more anxiety, self-criticism, or anger than we can tolerate, we have the right to say ‘no’.

Take a Time-out- For some of us, certain people ‘push our buttons’ and do not always bring out the best in us. These are individuals we need to interact with in small doses.  We can do this by taking small breaks throughout the gathering- visit the restroom, take a short walk outside, find a quiet spot inside or out and refocus.  We can take some deep breaths or repeat a positive affirmation to ourselves.  If we might not remember it, we can write it down and keep it in our pocket or purse.  It can be one or two words or one or two sentences.  It should help us reconnect with what is positive about us and be in the affirmative.  Here are some examples:

“I will let go of others’ expectations”

“I have worth regardless of what I accomplish in the day”

“I can take it one day at a time or one minute at a time”

“I do know what is best for me”

“I will keep the focus on myself”

May we all be open to the possibilities of the season, do what creates a sense of well-being, and share that with others.  

The Season is Upon Us- Part 1- Expectations of Others

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."
                                                                                
                                                                                               -Wayne Dyer

For some of us, Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of a spirited and joyous time of connection and closeness with others.  It can also mark the beginning of a season of stress, frustration, and at times, sadness.  Some of these latter emotions can be lessened if we are able to identify and challenge our expectations of other people.

I once attended a workshop on coping with grief.  The presenter had years of experience working in a hospice agency helping people deal with end-of-life issues.  She described a funeral where arguments filled with accusations, name-calling, etc.  took place among family members.  Those of us in the workshop reacted with disgust and disbelief, however, the presenter had not been surprised.  She reasoned that if this type of interaction is ‘normal’ for the family, then why wouldn’t they interact this way?  They do not know any other way of being with one another.

I am certainly not equating a funeral with the winter holidays, however, some of us tend to expect others to behave differently during the holiday season.  It can be helpful and, indeed, liberating to recognize that change requires more than external influences.  It requires inner exploration, what some of us call ‘soul-searching’.  External events, like a holiday, can trigger our motivation to engage in this process, however, in order to step out of the familiar and to really change our interactions with others, we need to focus on our own actions/thoughts/feelings and let go of our expectations.  It is essential to keep in mind that we have the power to do this for ourselves, but not for other people.

It is important to create more realistic expectations, based on who the other person really is rather than how we think they should be acting.  That being said, it is also important not to tolerate any form of abuse. When we expect others to behave as they usually would, we are less likely to feel disappointed and frustrated, and this, in turn, can actually improve our interactions.

So, let’s keep the focus on us and make a commitment to adjust our expectations to what ‘is’. 

Next week, we will explore how to cope with other people’s expectations of us and to find peace during the holidays.