Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 2- When and How to Set Boundaries

Part of getting unstuck in our relationships may be to tighten our boundaries with people who are  ‘toxic’ to us or, in some instances, to eliminate contact altogether.  It is important to know how much toxicity we are able to take in and tolerate and whether we can maintain a particular relationship and still walk away with a positive sense of self. When our sense of self becomes distorted in a way that leaves us feeling depressed, anxious, or consumed by guilt, it may be beneficial to cut off contact with that person.

Whenever we choose to tighten boundaries or suspend contact with another person, it is important to do so in a way that maintains our own integrity as well as the other person’s.  We need to communicate our intention directly to the other person.  By doing so, we will feel empowered, competent, and more likely to put our words into action.

Here are some essential guidelines to consider:

Always communicate using ‘I’ statements.  Avoid accusations and placing focus on what the other person did or said.

Be specific.  Avoid exaggerations like, ‘never, always, every time, etc.’  Speak about a particular situation or incident.

Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Try not to assume what he/she is thinking or feeling.

Allow the other person to own his/her feelings.  Do not take responsibility for the person’s reaction to you.  You can simply state, ‘I am sorry you are feeling that way’ or ‘I am sorry this is difficult, painful, etc. for you.’

Know when to end the conversation.  Express yourself and make your intentions known, but do not over-explain or try to force the other person to ‘get it’ by repeating the same thing over and over.

Setting boundaries takes practice.  We do not have to do it perfectly as long as we treat others with respect and dignity.  It is important not to measure our own relationship behaviors by another person’s inability to accept our words and actions.  If we have neglected our boundaries for some time in the relationship, it is likely the other person will resist our attempts to tighten or re-establish them.  Not only is this okay, it is necessary to the process of building healthier relationships for ourselves.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 1- What is a Healthy Boundary?

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS:

Saying in a calm manner, “I am not comfortable with (fill in the blank), but thank you.”

Responding to a request- “ I am not sure, can I get back to you?” When you are comfortable, get back to the person.

Saying, “I am not able to discuss this right now” and then DO NOT discuss it.

Using the terms, ‘if’ and ‘then’.

   Example- “If you continue to speak to me that way, then I will have to leave”. When the person   continues, then you LEAVE.  

   Example- “If you insist on calling me that, then I will have to hang up the phone”. When the person calls you that again, you HANG UP the phone.

Before making a decision that involves another person, taking the time to check with him/her first and then moving forward.

Giving what we can and doing for others what we are able to because it is what we truly wish to do.

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS NOT:

Saying ‘yes’ to someone, carrying out the action, then expressing annoyance in the presence of the other person because you really wanted to say ‘no’.

Feeling pressured to provide an answer and saying what you think the other person wants to hear.

Engaging in an argument with someone by throwing accusations, explanations, etc. back and forth without any sign of a resolution or understanding.

Discussing an issue with someone when you feel emotionally vulnerable or concerned for your physical safety.

Agreeing to something on someone else’s behalf and then becoming angry and defensive when the other person does not wish to go along with you.

Giving to others until we have nothing left to give and then blaming others when they ask for more.

As you may have already recognized, one of the key elements in setting boundaries is to mean what you say and say what you mean.  It is about following through with our actions.  There is truth to the saying-“Actions speak louder than words.” It is important to let others know that there is intention behind your words. 

That is not to say that as we practice setting boundaries there won’t be times when we have trouble following through, however, we need to have this as a conscious goal and to believe that the relationship and our own sense of self will benefit from our efforts.

Next week, we will discuss when it is necessary to set  boundaries in relationships and how to communicate that in a healthy way.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Introduction

 In order to understand what a boundary is we can compare it to the skin of the human body.  Our skin protects us from dirt, toxins, and bacteria in the environment.  Just as our skin creates a boundary against harmful elements, the boundaries we establish in relationships can protect us emotionally from ‘toxic’ people- the ones who ‘push our buttons’ so intensely that we react in ways which leave us feeling guilty, ashamed, and frustrated.

In the next few weeks, we will explore:

·         The nature of boundaries

·         Healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors 

·         How to establish and maintain boundaries

In the next chapter, we will answer the question, “What is a healthy boundary?” with examples and specific ideas on how to communicate boundaries through our words and actions.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part3 -Using the Tools

Now that we are able to recognize our own need/desire to make someone else different than who they are, we need to accept that what we are doing in order to change the other person is not working.  There is a another approach. When we stop reacting and stop taking on someone else’s ‘stuff’, the other person is then able to focus on their own actions/thoughts/feelings without being distracted by our demands and expectations.  The result is that both parties become better able to keep the focus on themselves and positive change is more likely to occur. This is healthy detachment.

The following tools can help us to practice healthy detachment:

Set and maintain boundaries- It is important not to engage in ‘verbal tennis’ with another person.  There is nothing to be gained by throwing accusations back/forth or constantly defending ourselves.  We can tell the other person that we are not comfortable discussing the matter and need to either, move on to another topic or take a break and speak at a later time.  We need to be clear and direct.  Sometimes, words are not effective.  We may then need to take action and end the conversation by walking away or putting the phone down.

Give information only-  It can be helpful to express what we think/feel with the intention of giving another person information about us, not to influence his/her thoughts, opinion, perspective, etc.  Say something once and then let it go.  We are less likely to feel frustrated and resentful if our goal is to simply put the information out there and not expect the other person to ‘get it’ or accept it.  If the person does not get it’, there will probably be another opportunity in the future to express it at a time when he/she is more ready to hear it.

Respect the journey-  Each person has their own path toward peaceful and healthy living.  We cannot speed up, slow down, or stop someone else’s journey.  Wherever someone is situated on their journey is where he/she is supposed to be.  We have our own path. Sometimes, part of our journey is to become better at practicing healthy detachment in our relationships.  By doing so, we may come to feel a sense of gratitude for the relationship as we embrace the challenge and begin to gain control over our own lives.

May we strive to embrace opportunities to practice healthy detachment in our relationships and, by doing so, bring peace and fulfillment to ourselves and others.

Feel free to share your own opportunities to practice healthy detachment in relationships by posting a comment below.

                                                                                 

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 2- When We Don't Detach

For many of us, feeling responsible for other people can be overwhelming. We may become consumed by the responsibility and neglect our own needs and wants.  True concern for someone else can intensify to such a degree that it ends up draining our energy and creating feelings of resentment. This keeps us connected to the person in a negative way.  Healthy detachment allows us to remain supportive without taking on responsibility for another person’s feelings and actions. 

When we don’t practice healthy detachment, we may experience the following:

Angry outbursts- When the person we care about does not accept our advice or repeats dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, we may experience such a high level of frustration that we eventually ‘blow up’ at the other person, make derogatory comments, yell, accuse, or, even, threaten.  The message is- you are acting in a way that I dislike so much it is making me lose control of myself. 

Silent treatment-  We may experience anxiety or some form of discomfort when angry feelings are triggered.  In response, we may keep quiet in a relationship in order to avoid saying or doing something in anger.  Keeping quiet  can also be a way to ‘punish’ the other person. The message is – if you don’t behave the way I want you to, I will abandon you. When we practice the silent treatment we are making ourselves emotionally unavailable and the other person may eventually stop communicating altogether. Without communication, it is likely nothing will change in our relationship.

Repetitive dialogue- There is a very helpful saying in the Al-Anon Family Groups- say something once, you are offering information. Say something more than once, you are trying to control. We may repeat the same suggestions or verbalize how the person makes us feel over and over, hoping that it will somehow get into his/her brain and make them be the way we want them to be. However, repetition can have the opposite effect when our voices become ‘noise’ and the other person eventually stops hearing what we are actually saying. 

This can post can help us to think about how we may be preventing positive change from happening.  Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

The next chapter will offer tools to help us practice healthy detachment.