Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 2- When We Don't Detach

For many of us, feeling responsible for other people can be overwhelming. We may become consumed by the responsibility and neglect our own needs and wants.  True concern for someone else can intensify to such a degree that it ends up draining our energy and creating feelings of resentment. This keeps us connected to the person in a negative way.  Healthy detachment allows us to remain supportive without taking on responsibility for another person’s feelings and actions. 

When we don’t practice healthy detachment, we may experience the following:

Angry outbursts- When the person we care about does not accept our advice or repeats dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, we may experience such a high level of frustration that we eventually ‘blow up’ at the other person, make derogatory comments, yell, accuse, or, even, threaten.  The message is- you are acting in a way that I dislike so much it is making me lose control of myself. 

Silent treatment-  We may experience anxiety or some form of discomfort when angry feelings are triggered.  In response, we may keep quiet in a relationship in order to avoid saying or doing something in anger.  Keeping quiet  can also be a way to ‘punish’ the other person. The message is – if you don’t behave the way I want you to, I will abandon you. When we practice the silent treatment we are making ourselves emotionally unavailable and the other person may eventually stop communicating altogether. Without communication, it is likely nothing will change in our relationship.

Repetitive dialogue- There is a very helpful saying in the Al-Anon Family Groups- say something once, you are offering information. Say something more than once, you are trying to control. We may repeat the same suggestions or verbalize how the person makes us feel over and over, hoping that it will somehow get into his/her brain and make them be the way we want them to be. However, repetition can have the opposite effect when our voices become ‘noise’ and the other person eventually stops hearing what we are actually saying. 

This can post can help us to think about how we may be preventing positive change from happening.  Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

The next chapter will offer tools to help us practice healthy detachment.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 1-The Nature of Healthy Detachment

For most of us, when we hear the word ‘detach’, we think of behavior that is cold, uncaring, and selfish.  However, when practiced in a healthy way, detachment can demonstrate compassion, genuine concern, and respect for another person.  It is the art of allowing people to be who they are, not who we want them to be.  

Here are ways in which we demonstrate healthy detachment:

• When we let go of our expectations of others and do not try to make them fulfill our own wants/needs, we are practicing healthy detachment.   
• When we are able to remain in a place of joy or satisfaction while being in the presence of someone who is in a negative place, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we refrain from offering advice and ways to ‘fix’ things, but truly listen to someone else, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we allow someone to make his/her own decision and follow through with it, even though we believe it will not have a beneficial outcome, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we appropriately set a boundary with someone by refusing to engage him/her in an argument, we are practicing healthy detachment.

One of the most important aspects of healthy detachment is the ability to remain open to possibility in our lives- embracing the joy to be found in relationships and the courage within ourselves to grow as individuals, even though someone we care about is struggling.

The next chapter will look at how our lives are impacted when we are unable to detach.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Introduction

There comes a point in time when we need to recognize that every one of us has ‘baggage’, problems, ‘stuff’, however you wish to say it.  Our goal in life is not to embark on a search for people who lack these things, but to engage in a journey that helps us to embrace opportunities in which we can practice healthy detachment in relationships- allowing others to own their ‘stuff’ and to maintain a clear focus on working through our own struggles.  When each of us practices healthy detachment, relationships become more clearly defined, purposeful, fulfilling, and balanced.

I
N THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, THIS BLOG WILL EXPLORE:

·         The nature of healthy detachment

·         What happens when we do not detach

·         Tools to help us practice healthy detachment

Next week, we will begin to explore the nature of healthy detachment and how that can bring  peace into our lives.

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 4-Challenging the Resistance

How do we view change?  Is change something to be tolerated and endured?  Is change avoided at all costs?  Is change exciting and filled with hope for better things? Our present situation, relationships, material possessions, neighborhood- all of it is in a constant state of change.  How we perceive and respond to change can determine whether we stay ‘stuck’ in our lives and our relationships.

The following actions can help us to work toward challenging our resistance to change:

1.       Reassess our support system-  Many of us fear change will lead us into an even worse situation than we are currently experiencing.  How many of us are familiar with the message- “Just leave well enough alone”, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.  The future can look hopeless if we are hearing messages like this from those around us.  It is important to recognize when other people are imposing their fear of change onto us.  When this happens we experience a vicarious feeling that does not belong to us.  In order to counteract this we need to broaden our support network and ensure that it contains individuals who can inspire us to grow beyond our current circumstance.

2.       Create a timeline of change- Start at whatever point in time you feel comfortable and chart the years in consecutive order.  Next to the corresponding year, identify what change took place in your life and how it affected you- physically, emotionally, and intellectually.  Include how your relationships at the time may have been impacted.  When you are finished, read through and notice when change has happened to you and when you have played an active role in bringing about a desired change.  Identify how each change could be/has been utilized as a growth opportunity and whether or not you view the change as positive or negative.  Jot down your reactions to the changes at that time and make note of any feelings of resistance or fear that you experienced. Did it belong to you?  Was it someone else’s fear?

3.       Expose ourselves to ‘success’ stories of change- Read a book or view a film about a person (fictional or otherwise) who challenged his/her fear and resistance by either taking an active role in creating positive change or responding to change in a positive way. Be aware of feelings that arise in response to the other person’s struggle.

Consider some of these inspiring stories:

Shirley Valentine (play and movie version-drama/comedy)

The Enchanted April (book and movie version-drama)

Star Wars (movie- action/adventure)

The 40 Year Old Virgin (movie-adult comedy)

Sliding Doors (movie- drama)

In America (adult drama-based on true story)

It is hoped that, in reflecting upon and eventually, utilizing the insights and tools offered by this blog, we will have progressed toward creating desirable changes in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Feel free to share ways that you have challenged fear and resistance by posting a comment below.

 

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 3-Working Through Fear

When things are not going the way we planned, whether in a relationship,  job situation, or acreative project, we may experience a sense of urgency.  This urgency is often a form of anxiety or fear.  We may feel so uncomfortable with our anxious feelings that we decide to try anything we can to ‘fix’ the issue, and therefore, eliminate our discomfort.

Unfortunately, we can end up denying ourselves the opportunity to experience our true feelings, and, consequently, our true selves. Knowing our true selves is essential to making healthy choices that are the right ‘fit’ for us and creating positive change in our lives.  If we can tolerate some of the discomfort that accompanies any change, we will benefit in the long run. 

The following actions can help us to work through our fear:

·         Write down thoughts and feelings as they arise, keeping in mind that it is for your eyes only.  The purpose is to release anxiety/tension and to put your thoughts/feelings ‘somewhere’ outside yourself.  Holding onto them can affect us in a negative way and interfere with our ability to enact change.

·         Engage in a self-inventory of your strengths, interests, skills, natural abilities, and accomplishments. Write them down and then, read them out loud to yourself once each day.

·         Talk about your thoughts/feelings with other people, however, share with the intent to release them, not to solve or fix anything. 

·         Go ‘back to basics’ and ensure that you are taking care of yourself and engaging in healthy daily activities, such as getting enough rest, hydrating, getting physical exercise, etc.

·         Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and meditate on the phrase- ‘This too shall pass’.  Remind yourself that feelings are like ocean waves.  They rise up, touch the surface, then flow out again.  Whatever emotion we are experiencing in the moment is only temporary.

 When we are able to work through our fear, we can regroup and re-examine the situation.  We will then be able to respond to change in a more effective way.  Once we allow ourselves to confront our fears, we can begin to take steps to challenge the resistance. 

The next chapter will provide the tools to do just that.