When we are beginning
a relationship, re-defining an established one, or expanding our support
network, it is helpful to identify our non-negotiables. These are relationship elements that we are
not willing to do without or compromise on. They are like keystones. When
we look at ancient Greek architecture we see beautiful stone archways that are
still standing today. They were
engineered using a system in which a larger keystone was wedged into the center
of the smaller stones to create thrust. The pressure of each stone against the
other created a sort of ‘glue’ that made the arch strong and kept it from
falling apart. While relationships
vary, there are specific elements- big, solid keystones- which keep our
relationships strong and intact over time.
HERE ARE EXAMPLES OF NON-NEGOTIABLES:
Say what you mean, mean what you say- This relationship
element is essential to the development of trust. When we trust another we feel emotionally
secure. We challenge trust in us when we yes
when we mean no and vice versa. When
someone accepts a specific response from us, we cause confusion when our
attitude and behavior reflect the opposite. It is then difficult for others to
trust our words.
Acknowledge what is positive - We can ask ourselves, ‘Does
this person make me feel good about who I am as a unique and separate human
being? A long-lasting relationship is
one that enables us to actualize our skills, knowledge, and natural abilities
in order to continue growing emotionally.
We challenge this growth in another person when we fail to recognize and
encourage his/her strengths. This keeps the person ‘stuck’ emotionally and the relationship suffers.
Put love into action- In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly
Successful People, Stephen Covey discusses the definition of the word ‘love’ as
a verb, not a noun. Love is expressed by
what we do for others, the sacrifices we are willing to make. This relationship element becomes challenged
when we stop paying attention to the little things that matter so much. We do not have to throw someone an
extravagant party, buy an expensive gift, or plan an extensive vacation to a
faraway destination. When small, everyday
acts of kindness become a consistent part of our interactions, we let others
know that they are important to us. Here are some ideas:
- Mail or email a ‘thinking of you’ card or give someone a ‘just checking in’ call.
- Make a thank you more than just words and send a card, special email, or make a specific phone call to express it.
- Share what you have in your life. Lend a book, magazine, DVD, or article of clothing someone admires.
- Have a special object that symbolizes the care and concern that is shared in the relationship and trade it back/forth whenever one of you needs it most and is facing a difficult challenge.
The dynamic or energy that is generated as these
relationship elements- keystones- are exchanged between us is the ‘glue’ that enables our
relationships to endure over time.
May we all work toward identifying and honoring our non-negotiables
as we build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
